New Quest: Attack the School (Kyle)

SPOILER ALERT! Quest Breakdown Step 1: Return to Kyle at Elven Kingdom. Step 2: Climb the tree house and call the Goth Kids. Step 3: Command Jimmy to get Hair Flip to open the “Faculty Only” door in back of the school. Step 4: Get to the cafeteria. Step 5: Breach the cafeteria defenses. Step 6: Blow through the barricade to reach the basement door. Step 7: Defeat the Nazi Zombies in the basement. Step 8: Break through the barricade in the lobby. Step 9: Defeat Butters. Step 10: Clear the upstairs hallway. Step 11: Confront Cartman in the fourth-grade classroom. Step 12: Defeat Cartman. Step 13: Realize you’ve been duped. Step 14: Go after the Ruler of Darkness.

Now’s the time to choose between Cartman (humans) and Kyle (elves). This version of the quest assumes you choose to side with Kyle. After the Elf King congratulates you on your friend-making skills, climb the tower to the left and search for a good cell signal. Call the Goth Kids to the Elven Kingdom for the big raid on the school.

Coming from the Rear

Stan charges in and explains he intercepted a Twitter message—er, he shot down one of the humans’ message ravens—and the evil Wizard King has the Stick of Truth hidden in his desk at school. You race off to the school to take your revenge on the human scum.

The humans have barricaded the front door. Well, since you can’t penetrate the front, try a rear entry. Command Jimmy to give you Bardic Access to handicap ramp. Duck inside once Jimmy grants you access to the door.

You enter a trashed kitchen, and Cartman’s voice pipes in over the intercom. He says that you’re fighting for the wrong side and you have to free yourself from Kyle’s control. Light the stove and then step back and use Cup-a-Spell to blow open the stove door and shoot out the Chinpokomon (Donkeytron) inside. Also, snag the loot in the kitchen cabinet, the book bag, and on the elf body before you move closer to the cafeteria.

The cafeteria serving line is in worse shape than lunch after sloppy joes, but at least it’s deserted. Look behind the serving area and inside the trash heap to the right of the serving area for additional loot, including Chef’s Old P.O. Box Key.

Food Fight

Enter the cafeteria and stay to the right side as you collect loot from dead bodies. Search for the Flame Patch behind the lunch menu on the ground to the far right.

Two humans man a fire hose at the barricade to the left. Shoot the pipe above the head of the far human to cut off the hose’s water supply and spill a pool at the humans’ feet. Next, shoot the hanging light; the live wires will drop to the ground and fry the two humans before you can say, “Medic!”

One KKK Soldier defends the area past the fire hose. He may have a lot of hit points, but the two of you can easily make him look as silly as Sheldon Cooper sumo wrestling. Note that he does not attack if the electrical hazard trap was used.

Destroy the next barrier with a fiery Cup-a-Spell, or bypass it through the destructible air vent in the wall. Three humans—a KKK Paragon, KKK Ranger, and KKK Abbot—attack you as you pass through the barrier. Snack during each round to keep your hit points high, and tag team on the Abbot first with ranged attacks, then the Ranger, then the Paragon.

Blow Through the Barricade

Exit the cafeteria through the doors that you used the Gold Key on when you broke Craig out of detention. You’re back in the hallway leading to the lobby. Approach the barricade and aim at the sprinkler overhead. Shoot the sprinkler to rain down water and short out the fan.

Use Cup-a-Spell on the torch by the human atop the barricade. The explosion obliterates the human and ruins the barricade.

Stand next to the burnt board with the shield on it. Attack the middle and it will break in half. Now you can use it as a ramp to cross to the other side.

Attack the KKK Abbot in front of the basement door. He will immediately raise the KKK Paragon from the dead and you’ll be fighting two humans instead of one. Even so, it shouldn’t be too much hassle if you Perfect Block often and chew Cheesy Poofs to stay high on HP.

Collect your loot from the downed corpses and descend to the basement when you’re ready for a tougher challenge.

Basement Boogeymen

Use the basement door to descend to the lower level. Kyle and the crew join you as you discover that the hall monitors have been infected with the green zombie goo.

Your first basement battle lets you know things are going to be tough down here. The Nazi Zombie Kommandant is a hefty foe, and his two Nazi Zombie Ginger Oberleutnant pals are no slouches either. Lobotomize the Oberleutnents first; you don’t want to get hit by three attacks each round. Once you isolate the Kommandant, snack on a Health Potion after each of the enemy’s hits to recover enough HP to survive enough rounds until he’s kaput. Loot the Hammer of Smiting off the really dead Kommandant.

Take the next basement door to the tunnel section coated with spots of green goo on the floor. Climb the ladder to the upper section.

Shoot the pipe valve to shut off the steam and then smash open the vent to the right of the pipe. Open the nearby toolbox for extra loot.

Squeeze through the air duct till you reach the panel to the right. Smash open the vent so that it drops and crunches one of the Nazi Zombies below. Shoot the electrical panel so that it catches on fire above the third zombie’s head and use Cup-a-Spell to ignite the electrical panel and roast the patrolling enemy when he’s below it.

Command Stan to summon his pet dog. Sparky lets loose and pees down next to the first Nazi Zombie. The pee puddle connects with the electrified puddle and the first Nazi Zombie sizzles.

Head back down the ladder to the first level. Smash the steam pipe and cross through it to bypass the green goo. Shatter the pallet in front of the gate.

Pull the lever on the generator to shut off the electricity. Cross the puddle and attack the remaining Nazi Zombie Gingers. If you missed any of the tricks earlier, you might have to fight off more than one Nazi Zombie.

The Nazi Zombie Ginger Feldwebel is armed with a kick-ass ruler, so if you want to avoid getting beaten to within inches of your life, concentrate back-to-back special abilities on a single Defiler and remove him from the equation quickly. Grab the Necromancer Robes off the Nazi Zombie Gingers.

What’s Growing in the Boiler Room?!?

Visit the boiler room before you depart the tunnel section. Sift through the toolbox for more loot and stop by the work table for a disturbing sight. Petri dishes with the names of all your friends wait for some sort of unspeakable experiment—oh, and there’s green goo growing in the one without a name. It’s definitely not spinach dip.

Head toward the basement exit, but smash through the pallet beside the stairs first. Score the Battery Label and other loot in the duffel bag under the stairs.

Breach the Barricade

You come up in an already-ransacked hallway. Examine the bodies for more loot and cross to the door leading into the lobby.

The humans have fortified the lobby with stacked books, piled chairs—and a flaming catapult. Butters will launch flaming bags of poop down on you while you figure out how to get through the barricade. You can’t smash through it; you have to go around it.

Look up for a robotic eye hanging from the balcony. Use your alien probe to teleport you atop the balcony and away from the catapult’s flaming bags of poop.

Snag the loot out of the book bag on the left side of the balcony, then slide down the jump rope hanging down off the right side.

Goad Butters into launching a flaming bag in front of the wooden barricade on the right side of the human defenses. Quickly Cup-a-Spell and waft the gas over so that it crosses through the flames and explodes the wooden barricade.

Put a hurt on the humans at the barricade. Depending on how well you’ve used your Cup-a-Spell, you might be down to a KKK Paragon and KKK Abbot by the time you fight. If that’s the case, paste them.

Butters flees to the next room when you stamp down his support. Leave him for now and man the catapult. Fire a load at the front door barricade and watch it catch on fire.

Use Cup-a-Spell on the fiery barricade and it explodes. Your reinforcements pour in and secure the area. Dog Poo opens the main door for you so that you can follow after Butters.

Beat Up Butters

It’s a showdown with Butters before you can reach the stairs to the second floor. Butters deals serious damage with his hammer and related special attacks; think defense first with Perfect Blocks and snacks when your HP gets low. Butters has a lot of hit points, so it will be a long battle, which you can win if you’re quick on the reflexes and quicker on the ass gas. Grab Butters’ Hammer of Storms once you’ve knocked him flat.

Raid the bodies in the area. When you’re ready to rumble in the classrooms, head upstairs.

Fight to the Fourth Grade

Search the locker back by the kindergarten and the dead human in the hallway at the top of the stairs. Slip by the fighting elves and humans as they whack at each other with wooden swords. you beat up the three enemies in the hall, you can gain the Necromancer Hood from them. Shoot Pterdaken in the locker on the right to add it to your collection before you leave the area.

Continue through the defenses to the fourth- and fifth-grade hallways. The rest of your group joins you as you prepare for the final assault. Before you use the fourth-grade door, enter the fifth-grade classroom and open the sink cabinet for extra loot. Interact with Lemmiwinks to friend him. This is your only chance to do so.

Kyle vs. Cartman

Open the door to burst in on Cartman. He tries to convince you that you’ve chosen the wrong side, but you won’t have any of his human lies. Loot the file cabinet and chest prior to battle. After you’re asked to choose sides, give Cartman a real hard tap to initiate combat.

Don’t let Cartman kill you in one attack! He has a few strong attacks, and you must do a Perfect Block as often as you can to reduce damage. Snack after each round to keep your hit points near full to better survive Cartman’s barrage. Steadily hack away at Cartman’s HP until you he decides to break out his lethal weapon—his flaming ass! In a battle of wills, you expel gas at each other’s butts—winner avoids a nasty burn. Tap the Combat button as if your life depends on it—it does—and out-duel the ass master himself.

With Cartman’s defeat, Kyle orders the Goth Kids to retrieve the Stick of Truth from the inside of Cartman’s desk. Except, fourth grade desks don’t have insides.

WTF?!?

They do find, however, writing on Clyde’s desk that leads the group to Clyde’s locker. Pissed after being banished from all time and space, Clyde has taken on the mantle of Ruler of Darkness.

During all the chaos at the school, Clyde stole the Stick of Truth. Even worse, he has created an army of Nazi Zombies with a barrel of the green goo that fell from the heavens.

You immediately charge over to Clyde’s house. His dad, clueless, lets you into the backyard where Clyde’s fortress holds his entire army of darkness—locals converted to Nazi Zombies by the green goo.

Saved by the Stotches

Before you can throw down with an army of darkness, Butters’ parents crash the backyard and order Butters to bedtime. Clyde’s dad calls Clyde back in too, and the rest of you realize you’re screwed if you don’t hightail it back home right away. Here’s to another good night’s sleep.