SPOILER ALERT! Quest Breakdown Step 1: Go to Winnipeg. Step 2: Speak with the Earl of Winnipeg. Step 3: Destroy the Dire Bears in Winnipeg. Step 4: Bring the Dire Bear pelts back to the Earl. Step 5: Return to the Prince of Canada. Step 6: Confront the Bishop of Banff. Step 7: Kill the Snakes outside Banff. Step 8: Deal with the Bishop of Banff. Step 9: Return to the Prince of Canada. Step 10: Meet with the Duke of Vancouver. Step 11: Speak to the monks. Step 12: Use Dragonshout on Phillip and Cup-a-Spell on Terrance. Step 13: Use Sneaky Squeaker to lure Phillip to the bear skin. Step 14: Learn the Nagasaki. Step 15: Proceed to the Catacombs of Quebec. Step 16: Rescue the Minister of Montreal. Step 17: Get your document translated. |
You have to leave the palace via the gift shop. Be sure to stop by the green chest on the way out to pocket some valuable souvenirs, including the Joy Buzzer. The gift shop owner will also force you to accept photos with the Prince and Princess before you can leave.
Loot Table: Canada
N = Not Junk / C = Collectable / Q = Quest Item / E = Equipment / D = Dye
| General Area | Location | Item | $$$ Value | N | C | Q | E | D |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Overworld | Chest on the northern island | Barbarian Mullet (Hair) | $0.40 | o | o | |||
| Overworld | Chest on the northern island | A bowl of Kraft Dinner | $0.50 | |||||
| Overworld | Chest on the northern island | Canadian Gemstone | $0.60 | |||||
| Overworld | Chest on the northern island | Frozen Maple Syrup (Strap-on) | $4.00 | o | o | |||
| Overworld | Chest on the northern island | Cure Potion | $0.20 | o | ||||
| Overworld | Chest on the northern island | Health Potion (Large) | $1.00 | o | ||||
| Ottawa | Royal Castle - Chest in gift shop | Canadian Gemstone | $0.60 | |||||
| Ottawa | Royal Castle - Chest in gift shop | Joy Buzzer (Strap-on) | $4.00 | o | o | |||
| Ottawa | Royal Castle - Chest in gift shop | Spoiled Royal Pudding | $0.50 | |||||
| Ottawa | Royal Castle - Chest in gift shop | Mana Potion (Large) | $1.50 | o | ||||
| Banff | Church - Chest behind locked door | Discus of Bleeding (Ranged) | $4.00 | o | o | o | ||
| Banff | Church - Chest behind locked door | Positive Queefy Sore Test | $0.30 | |||||
| Banff | Church - Chest behind locked door | Ranger Patch (Patch) | $4.00 | o | o | |||
| Banff | Church - Chest behind locked door | Power Potion (Large) | $2.40 | o | ||||
| Banff | Church - Chest behind locked door | Revive Potion | $0.60 | o | ||||
| Banff | Church - Chest behind locked door | “What Are These Changes?” VHS | $0.40 | |||||
| Vancouver | Royal Castle - Chest behind breakable wall | Lumberjack Beard (Facial Hair) | $0.40 | o | o | |||
| Vancouver | Royal Castle - Chest behind breakable wall | Serrated Axe of Rending (Melee) | $14.00 | o | o | o | ||
| Vancouver | Royal Castle - Chest behind breakable wall | Dire Heart | $0.15 | |||||
| Vancouver | Royal Castle - Chest behind breakable wall | Barbarian Helmet (Head) | $7.00 | o | o | o | ||
| Vancouver | Royal Castle - Chest behind breakable wall | Strength Potion | $0.40 | o | ||||
| Vancouver | Royal Castle - Chest behind breakable wall | Power Potion (Large) | $2.40 | o | ||||
| Catacombs of Quebec | Loot - Dire Snake (1) | Frozen Skull Patch (Patch) | $2.00 | o | o | |||
| Catacombs of Quebec | Loot - Dire Snake (1) | Cash (Canadian) | $1.11 | o | ||||
| Catacombs of Quebec | Loot - Dire Snake (2) | Barbarian Patch (Patch) | $4.00 | o | o | |||
| Catacombs of Quebec | Loot - Dire Snake (2) | Cash (Canadian) | $2.48 | o | ||||
| Catacombs of Quebec | Treasure chest | Canadian Treasure | $5.00 | |||||
| Catacombs of Quebec | Treasure chest | Dire Heart | $0.15 | |||||
| Catacombs of Quebec | Treasure chest | Barbarian Armor (Body) | $10.00 | o | o | o | ||
| Catacombs of Quebec | Treasure chest | Speed Potion | $0.40 | o |
Once outside, head west to Winnipeg. Stay on the road and avoid the Dire Wolves that circle around. If you’re quick, you can reach Winnipeg without an encounter. Follow the path upward to the Earl of Winnipeg’s office.
Fine Furs and Fury
The Earl of Winnipeg says he will help you, but not until you rid Winnipeg of its Dire Bear infestation. Bring the Dire Bear pelts back to the Earl and he’ll do something to aid you.
Leave the Earl’s office and head to the right, where guards stand over an injured man. Go northeast through the gap in the forest till you reach a clearing. Dire Bears roam free up here and don’t take kindly to your stepping on their turds. They will punish you unless you unload major special abilities on them right away, like Kyle’s Rain of Arrows or Butters’ Hammer of Storms. Once you narrow the herd to one, fillet its flanks and skin your kills to bring back fuzzy rewards for the Earl.
Return to the Earl with your fresh pelts and stack them on his desk. He agrees to help you, but he’s not much help. He can’t read the medical document either, but he suggests that you ask the Prince to free the Minister of Montreal for his translation skills.
Holy Shit, Seriously!?
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“Listen, it’s all because the Bishop of Banff is a liberal. He does these things just to make life difficult FOR ME.” —Prince of Canada |
Return to the Prince and ask him to release the Minister of Montreal from his imprisonment in the Catacombs of Quebec. The Prince, however, is afraid that the Bishop of Banff will make a play on the throne if he does. He says he’ll only release the Minister if you kill the Bishop. If you weren’t sure before, you’ve now confirmed you’re going to hell in the next life.
Set out for Banff to the west of Winnipeg. Snakes slither into your path before you can reach the city. Show a little backbone and make the reptiles wish they could crawl back into the holes they came from.
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“You are now cured of Dire AIDS. You still have AIDS, but it is no longer Dire. It is like Magic Johnson AIDS.” —Nurse |
If you contract Dire AIDS at any time, the healer in Ottawa will cure you for five bucks. With the direness purged from your system, leave Ottawa and travel back to Banff, avoiding the Dire Wolves and Dire Bears along your short journey.
Walk up to the Bishop in his cathedral and give him a whack. The Bishop might talk to God on a regular basis, but the line’s dead for the Big Kahuna this time. Pile on the damage from both of your special abilities to have the priest praying for his life.
When you have the Bishop on his knees, you can choose to finish him off or take the Dire Pig Testicles he offers to serve as his own when you show the Prince proof of your deadly deed. Regardless of what you choose, you will return to the Prince with the proof you need to proceed. However, if you kill the Bishop, you gain the Dire Scepter off his corpse. If you don’t kill him, the Dire Sceptre shows up in the Banff Shop and you’ll have to buy it if you want it
Before leaving, be sure to open the secret door by stepping on the switch (hidden beneath a pot) that is in the left room. Inside of the chest (on the right side of the church) you'll find the Discus of Bleeding... sweet!
Duke It Out
Return to the Prince. He double-crosses you by refusing to free the Minister of Montreal. The way the Prince figures it, with the Bishop dead and the Minister locked up, no one can threaten his seat of power. Can’t really argue with him there.
The Princess feels bad, though, for breaking a promise to you. She tells you to seek out the Duke of Vancouver and gives you a letter to help your cause.
Leave Ottawa and journey to the far western side of Canada, where Vancouver awaits. Enter the city and speak with the Duke of Vancouver in his estate up top.
After he reads the letter from the Princess, the Duke tells you that in order to brave the Catacombs of Quebec and free the Minister of Montreal, you must first speak with the monks who live in the southeast part of town.
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“You did it! Now go out and use your anus for the good of mankind.” —Terrance |
Mastering the Nagasaki
Zip down to the south part of town and find the dock near the house with the CHL poster on the wall. Ride the boat across to the island. Inside the log cabin you’ll find the two monks, Phillip and Terrance.
The monks don’t believe you’re worthy of further training. Use Dragonshout on Phillip to prove you have ass power, then use Cup-a-Spell on Terrance to show him you can control your gas. Finally, move Phillip a little bit with a Sneaky Squeaker, and the two monks will teach you the magic of a new fart technique: the earth-shattering Nagasaki.
Drop a Bomb
With a new ass-flexing power under your belt, it’s time to test it out. Leave Vancouver and head east till you reach the bend in the road above Ottawa. Veer up to the north and enter the cave entrance in the hills.
Boulders block the main passage into the Catacombs. Clench and unclench your butt muscles as you put together a Nagasaki strong enough to rattle the rocks apart.
A variety of creatures attack you in the next cavern. Splatter the weaker Snakes first, followed by the Dire Wolves, and leave the Dire Bears for last. After you survive the onslaught, head south into the final chamber and stop by the green chest for some healthy loot, including the Barbarian Armor.
The Minister of Montreal speaks only French. It’s difficult to understand a frickin’ thing he says, but he does translate the medical document for you.