New Quest: Attack the School (Cartman)

SPOILER ALERT! Quest Breakdown Step 1: Return to Cartman at Kupa Keep. Step 2: Climb the tower and call the Goth Kids. Step 3: Command Butters to get Hair Flip to open the “Faculty Only” door in back of the school. Step 4: Get to the cafeteria. Step 5: Breach the cafeteria defenses. Step 6: Use the air vent to reach the basement door. Step 7: Defeat the Nazi Zombies in the basement. Step 8: Break through the barricade in the lobby. Step 9: Defeat Stan. Step 10: Clear the upstairs hallway. Step 11: Confront Kyle in the fourth-grade classroom. Step 12: Defeat Kyle. Step 13: Realize you’ve been duped. Step 14: Go after the Ruler of Darkness.

Now’s the time to choose between Cartman (humans) and Kyle (elves). This version of the quest assumes you choose to side with Cartman. After the Wizard King congratulates you on your friend-making skills, climb the tower to the left and search for a good cell signal. Call the Goth Kids to Kupa Keep for the big raid on the school.

Coming from the Rear

Butters charges in and explains he intercepted a Twitter message—er, he shot down one of the elves’ message ravens—and the evil Elf King has the Stick of Truth hidden in his desk at school. You race off to the school to take your revenge on the elven scum.

The elves have barricaded the front door. Well, since you can’t penetrate the front, try a rear entry. You need to have the School Kitchen Key to open the back door, and Pete has it. Command Butters to heal Pete and he’ll open the door, then duck inside once Pete does.

You enter a trashed kitchen, and Kyle’s voice pipes in over the intercom. He says that you’re fighting for a tyrant and you have to free yourself from his control. Light the stove and then step back and use Cup-a-Spell to blow open the stove door and shoot out the Chinpokomon (Donkeytron) inside. Also, snag the loot in the kitchen cabinet, the book bag, and on the elf body before you move closer to the cafeteria.

The cafeteria serving line is in worse shape than lunch after sloppy joes, but at least it’s deserted. Loot behind the serving area and inside the trash heap to the right of the serving area for additional loot, including Chef’s Old P.O. Box Key.

Food Fight

Enter the cafeteria and stay to the right side as you collect loot from bodies, including the Basketball.. Search for the Flame Patch behind the lunch menu on the ground to the far right.

Two elves man a fire hose at the barricade to the left. Shoot the pipe above the head of the far elf to cut off the hose’s water supply and spill a pool at the elves’ feet. Next, shoot the hanging light; the live wires will drop to the ground and fry the two elves before you can say, “Crispy Keeblers.”

One Elven Bruiser defends the area past the fire hose. He may have a lot of hit points, but the two of you can easily make him look as silly as a 100-pound geek sumo wrestling.

Destroy the next barrier with a fiery Cup-a-Spell, or bypass it through the destructible air vent in the wall. Three elves—an Elven Protector, Elven Archer, and Elven Priest—attack you as you pass through the barrier. Snack during each round to keep your hit points high, and tag team on the Priest first with ranged attacks, then the Archer, then the Protector. Loot the Necromancer Gloves off the enemies behind the barricade.

Give ’em the Shaft

Exit the cafeteria through the doors that you used the Gold Key on when you broke Craig out of detention. You’re back in the hallway leading to the lobby. To take the elves by surprise, shoot the air vent at the corner and it will swing open. Use your alien probe to teleport up into the air duct.

Rabid Rats and a Giant Rat will nip at your heels in the duct. Cheese them with your special attacks and a whack or two of your damage-spewing weapon. You can also lure the rat into the mousetrap with your Sneaky Squeaker.

Crawl through the duct and leave via the gaping hole in the corner. Take out your ranged weapon and shoot the wire holding the ceiling light. It drops like an anchor and crushes the elf directly below.

Before you descend to the basement door, pull out your alien probe and aim at the robotic eye attached to the far pipe. Teleport up to the silver pipe overhead and retrieve the Snowball Patch from the bag.

Drop on the last drow. The one Elven Protector has about as much chance of beating the two of you as a non-Grail bunny surviving dinner time in a lion cage.

Basement Boogeymen

Use the basement door to descend to the lower level. Cartman and the crew join you as you discover that the hall monitors have been infected with the green zombie goo.

Your first basement battle lets you know things are going to be tough down here. The Nazi Zombie Kommandant is a hefty foe, and his two Nazi Zombie Ginger Corruptor pals are no slouches either. Lobotomize the Corruptors first; you don’t want to get hit by three attacks a round. Once you isolate the Kommandant, snack on a Health Potion after each of the enemy’s hits to recover enough HP to survive enough rounds until he’s kaput. Loot the Hammer of Smiting off the really dead Kommandant.

Take the next basement door to the tunnel section coated with spots of green goo on the floor. Climb the ladder to the upper section.

Shoot the pipe valve to shut off the steam and then smash open the vent to the right of the pipe. Open the nearby toolbox for extra loot.

Squeeze through the air duct till you reach the panel to the right. Smash open the vent so that it drops and crunches one of the Nazi Zombies below. Shoot the electrical panel so that it catches on fire above the third zombie’s head and use Cup-a-Spell to ignite the electrical panel and roast the patrolling enemy when he’s below it.

Head back down the ladder to the first level. Smash the steam pipe and cross through it to bypass the green goo. Shatter the pallet in front of the gate.

Pull the lever on the generator to shut off the electricity. Cross the puddle and attack the Nazi Zombie Ginger Defilers. They’re armed with kick-ass rulers, so if you want to avoid getting beaten within inches of your life, concentrate back-to-back special abilities on a single Defiler and remove him from the equation quickly. The second Defiler will soon follow. Grab the Necromancer Robes off the Nazi Zombie Gingers.

Hey, you still reading? It took us a long-ass time to figure out how to get through that mess in the basement. Hopefully you’re still breathing ’cause it’s clear sailing now until you get to the lobby.

What’s Growing in the Boiler Room?!?

Visit the boiler room before you depart the tunnel section. Sift through the toolbox for more loot and stop by the work table for a disturbing sight. Petri dishes with the names of all your friends wait for some sort of unspeakable experiment—oh, and there’s green goo growing in the one without a name. It’s definitely not spinach dip.

Head toward the basement exit, but smash through the pallet beside the stairs first. Score the Battery Label and other loot in the duffel bag under the stairs.

Breach the Barricade

You come up in an already-ransacked hallway. Examine the bodies for more loot and cross to the door leading into the lobby.

The elves have fortified the lobby with stacked books, piled chairs—and a flaming catapult. Stan will launch flaming bags of poop down on you while you figure out how to get through the barricade. You can’t smash through it; you have to go around it.

Look up for a robotic eye hanging from the balcony. Use your alien probe to teleport you atop the balcony and away from the catapult’s fireballs.

Snag the loot out of the book bag on the left side of the balcony, then slide down the jump rope hanging down off the right side.

Goad Stan into launching a flaming bag in front of the wooden barricade on the right side of the elven defenses. Quickly do Cup-a-Spell and waft the gas over so that it crosses through the flames and explodes the wooden barricade.

Put a hurt on the elves at the barricade. Depending on how well you’ve used your Cup-a-Spell, you might be down to an Elven Protector and Elven Priest by the time you fight. If that’s the case, paste them.

Stan flees to the next room when you stamp down his support. Leave him for now and man the catapult. Fire a load at the front door barricade and watch it catch on fire.

Cup-a-Spell on the fiery barricade and it explodes. Your reinforcements pour in and secure the area. Craig opens the main door for you so that you can follow Stan.

Unman Stan

It’s a showdown with Stan before you can reach the stairs to the second floor. Stan calls in Sparky, his vicious attack dog, which loves nothing better than to hump your leg. Concentrate both your attacks on Sparky and put him down first. Stan has a lot of hit points, but if you snack after each round, you can keep your hit points high enough to outlast him.

Pull the Slashing Blade of the Ranger from defeated Stan’s unconscious fingers and upgrade if it’s an improvement. Raid the other bodies in the area before heading upstairs.

Fight to the Fourth Grade

Three elves—an Elven Protector, Elven Bruiser, and an Elven Priest—surround Tweek in the upstairs hallway. Tweek’s hands can’t match his quick tongue, so you’re going to have to help out. The Bruiser is easier to paste than the Protector; hit the Bruiser with nonstop attacks until he’s down, then switch to the Protector or the Priest with ranged attacks. Snack as necessary to keep HP high, and break out the special abilities, especially if you can waste multiple enemies with one big attack. Pick up the Necromancer Hood from the downed enemies. Shoot Pterdaken in the locker on the right to add it to your collection before you leave the area.

Break through the defenses to the fourth- and fifth-grade hallways. The rest of your group joins you as you prepare for the final assault. Before you use the fourth-grade door, enter the fifth-grade classroom and open the sink cabinet for extra loot. Interact with Lemmiwinks to friend him. This is your only chance to do so.

Cartman vs. Kyle

Open the door to burst in on Kyle. He tries to convince you that you’ve chosen the wrong side, but you won’t have any of his elven lies. Loot the file cabinet and chest prior to battle. After you’re asked to choose sides, give Kyle a whack to initiate combat.

Before you throw the first punch, be sure to loot the file cabinet and the treasure chest.

Don’t let Kyle kill you in one attack! He has a few strong attacks, and you must Perfect Block as often as you can to reduce damage. Snack after each round to keep your hit points near full to better survive Kyle’s barrage. Steadily hack away at Kyle’s HP until you plant his thorny crown in the ground.

With Kyle’s defeat, Cartman orders the Goth Kids to retrieve the Stick of Truth from the inside of Kyle’s desk. Except, fourth grade desks don’t have insides.

WTF?!?

They do find, however, writing on Clyde’s desk that leads the group to Clyde’s locker. Pissed after being banished from all time and space, Clyde has taken on the mantle of Ruler of Darkness.

During all the chaos at the school, Clyde stole the Stick of Truth. Even worse, he has created an army of Nazi Zombies with a barrel of the green goo that fell from the heavens.

You immediately charge over to Clyde’s house. His dad, clueless, lets you into the backyard, where Clyde’s fortress holds his entire army of darkness—locals converted to Nazi Zombies by the green goo.

Saved by the Stotches

Before you can throw down with an army of darkness, Butters’ parents crash the backyard and order Butters to bedtime. Clyde’s dad calls Clyde back in too, and the rest of you realize you’re screwed if you don’t hightail it back home right away. Here’s to another good night’s sleep.

Loot Table:School (Side with Humans)

N = Not Junk / C = Collectable / Q = Quest Item / E = Equipment / D = Dye

Loot Table:School (Side with Elves)

N = Not Junk / C = Collectable / Q = Quest Item / E = Equipment / D = Dye