SPOILER ALERT!Quest Breakdown Step 1: Get abducted. You have no choice in the matter. Step 2: Get probed. No choice there, either. Step 3: Use your alien probe device to escape your force field. Step 4: Find the control room. Step 5: Pwn all the aliens you encounter. Step 6: Return to Randy. Step 7: Beat up the Alien Conspiracy Hobo (optional). Step 8: Break Randy out of his alien probe. Step 9: Retrieve the White Power Crystal. Step 10: Enter the alien cockpit. Step 11: Defeat the Alien Pilots. Step 12: Crash land in South Park. |
...you open your eyes to this weird green light shining into your bedroom. If you didn’t know better, you’d think it was aliens.
Kidnapped!
Guess what, it’s aliens! Even worse, they’re not the kind that give you a warm, fuzzy feeling with a touch of their glowing fingers; they’re the kind that like to jab your anus.
Clench your sphincter and button mash repeatedly to destroy the alien probe twice. This drives the aliens away temporarily and activates the alien probe piece stuck in your butt. You can now use your alien probe to teleport around the ship.
Hop down from your table. A fellow abducted human, Randy Marsh, explains that you’ll have to deactivate the main reactor to escape the alien ship.
Loot Table: UFO
N = Not Junk / C = Collectable / Q = Quest Item / E = Equipment / D = Dye
| General Area | Location | Item | $$$ Value | N | C | Q | E | D |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Probe Room | Chest in hidden room | Speed Potion | $0.40 | o | ||||
| Probe Room | Chest in hidden room | Health Potion (Large) | $1.00 | o | ||||
| Probe Room | Chest in hidden room | Health Potion (Small) | $0.20 | o | ||||
| Probe Room | Chest in hidden room | Used Jaggon | $0.25 | |||||
| Probe Room | Chest in hidden room | Power Potion (Large) | $2.40 | o | ||||
| Probe Room | Chest near Randy | Alien Helmet (Head) | $2.00 | o | o | o | ||
| Probe Room | Chest near Randy | Health Potion (Large) | $1.00 | o | ||||
| Probe Room | Chest near Randy | Pinewood Derby Car | $0.40 | |||||
| Probe Room | Chest near Randy | Power Potion | $0.40 | o | ||||
| Empty Probe Room | Chest | Health Potion (Large) | $1.00 | o | ||||
| Empty Probe Room | Chest | Speed Potion | $0.40 | o | ||||
| Empty Probe Room | Chest | Ice Cream | $0.15 | |||||
| Engine Room | Chest near elevator, Main Room | Alien Suit (Body) | $5.00 | o | o | o | ||
| Engine Room | Chest near elevator, Main Room | Mana Potion (Small) | $0.30 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Chest near elevator, Main Room | Health Potion (Large) | $1.00 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Chest near elevator, Main Room | Power Potion | $0.40 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Chest near elevator, Main Room | Destroyed Laser Pistol | $1.00 | |||||
| Engine Room | Chest on upper platform, Main Room | Speed Potion | $0.40 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Chest on upper platform, Main Room | Strength Potion | $0.40 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Chest on upper platform, Main Room | Used Jaggon | $0.25 | |||||
| Engine Room | Chest on platform, Bottom Room | Mana Potion (Small) | $0.30 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Chest on platform, Bottom Room | Destroyed Laser Pistol | $1.00 | |||||
| Engine Room | Chest on platform, Bottom Room | Rectal Photography Kit | $0.50 | |||||
| Engine Room | Chest behind force field, Bottom Room | Alien Energy Crystal (Strap-on) | $0.40 | o | o | |||
| Engine Room | Chest behind force field, Bottom Room | Speed Potion | $0.40 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Chest behind force field, Bottom Room | Strength Potion | $0.40 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Chest behind force field, Bottom Room | Used Jaggon | $0.25 | |||||
| Engine Room | Chest behind force field, Bottom Room | Water Balloon | $0.30 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Loot - Alien Guard, Upper Room | Alien Defensive Matrix (Patch) | $1.00 | o | o | |||
| Engine Room | Loot - Alien Guard, Upper Room | Space Cash | $1.00 | |||||
| Engine Room | Loot - Alien Guard, Upper Room | Glowing Crystal Fragment | $0.25 | |||||
| Engine Room | Chest in hidden room, Use switch to access | Shattered Anal Probe (Strap-on) | $0.40 | o | o | |||
| Engine Room | Chest in hidden room, Use switch to access | Mana Potion | $1.00 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Chest in hidden room, Use switch to access | Cure Potion | $0.20 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Chest in hidden room, Use switch to access | Ice Cream | $0.15 | |||||
| Engine Room | Chest in hidden room, Use switch to access | Space Cash | $1.00 | |||||
| Engine Room | Chest behind door on far left, Upper Room | Power Potion (Large) | $2.40 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Chest behind door on far left, Upper Room | Power Potion | $0.40 | o | ||||
| Engine Room | Chest behind door on far left, Upper Room | Space Cash | $1.00 | |||||
| Engine Room | Chest behind door on far left, Upper Room | Ice Cream | $0.15 | |||||
| Engine Room | Chest behind door on far left, Upper Room | Biggest Douche Award | $0.80 | |||||
| Engine Room | Loot - Alien Chief of Security | Alien Gloves (Hands) | $1.00 | o | o | o | ||
| Engine Room | Loot - Alien Chief of Security | Space Cash | $1.00 | |||||
| Engine Room | Loot - Alien Chief of Security | Destroyed Laser Pistol | $1.00 | |||||
| Trash Area | Loot - Alien Conspiracy Hobo | Cash | $0.05 | o | ||||
| Trash Area | Loot - Alien Conspiracy Hobo | Health Potion (Small) | $0.20 | o | ||||
| Trash Area | Loot - Alien Conspiracy Hobo | Health Potion (Large) | $1.00 | o | ||||
| Trash Area | Loot - Alien Conspiracy Hobo | Broken Bottle | $0.10 | |||||
| Trash Area | Loot - Alien Conspiracy Hobo | Used Syringe | $0.35 | |||||
| Main Hallway | Chest | Alien Probe (Melee) | $7.00 | o | o | o | ||
| Main Hallway | Chest | Cult Pamphlet (Strap-on) | $0.40 | o | o | |||
| Main Hallway | Chest | Rectal Photography Kit | $0.50 | |||||
| Main Hallway | Chest | Space Cash | $1.00 | |||||
| Main Hallway | Chest | Destroyed Laser Pistol | $1.00 | |||||
| Cockpit | Chest near hologram | Ice Cream | $0.15 | |||||
| Cockpit | Chest near hologram | Baby Fark McGee-zax’s Broken Pistol | $1.20 | |||||
| Cockpit | Chest near hologram | Health Potion (Small) | $0.20 | o | ||||
| Cockpit | Chest near hologram | Mana Potion (Small) | $0.30 | o | ||||
| Cockpit | Chest near hologram | Power Potion | $0.40 | o | ||||
| Cockpit | Chest near hologram | Health Potion (Large) | $1.00 | o | ||||
| Cockpit | On top of monitors | Beetlebot (Chinpokomon) | - | o | o |
Ass Backwards and Forwards
Aim your alien probe at the robotic eye receiver above the console next to your seat. Use the robotic eye to teleport through the force field holding you to freedom on the other side.
Access the control panel on the right wall and open the door to a hidden room. Use your alien probe again on the same robotic eye to teleport you into the hidden room and secure more loot from the chest inside.
Return to the probe chamber and open the chest to the left of Randy’s bare ass. Pocket the loot and put on the Alien Helmet (+10% weapon damage) if it’s an upgrade for you.
Whoops!
Exit the probe chamber and enter the elevator room. One of the aliens is standing right next to the door when you enter, and it breaks the glass on the old-fashioned alarm bell and rings it with the small hammer. No more stealth for you.
Two more aliens reinforce the first one. Before you teleport past the force field barrier, target the ripped pipe above the three aliens. When you shoot the pipe, live wires drop down and fry one of the aliens. Eat lots of snacks to stay alive against the two remaining aliens while you out-damage them. Pick up the Alien Ray Gun after the fight.
Randy informs you that your alien probe isn’t just good for interacting with the robotic eyes and doubling as a dildo. It can also activate the blue security panels like the one on the main elevator.
Into the Main Core
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“Score! Aliens hate electricity.” —Randy |
Take the elevator down to the large chamber with several floating discs. Open the chest next to the elevator for more loot, including the Alien Suit.
Use your alien probe to teleport up to the next level. Access the control panels to move the platform overhead to the right so you can reach the chest for more loot.
If the platform is on the right, you can aim your alien probe up to activate a small blue panel which triggers a force field and disintegrates an alien if timed properly. You can also use Dragonshout or Cup-a-Spell on the burning probe in the force field to blow up the second alien.
Slide the platform back to the left and use your alien probe to teleport on it. Look above to the probe maintenance level and you’ll see another robotic eye to your left. Access the left robotic eye to reach the probe maintenance level.
Probe Maintenance
Walk to the right and wait until the red lasers repairing the deactivated probe shut off. Rush across and attack the two Alien Guards. Hit the first Alien Guard with special attacks. Hopefully it goes down quickly so you don’t get double-teamed. Chomp on some snacks to heal if need be as you teach the alien police all about the earthling term, “Officer down!”
Access the control panel by the fallen Alien Guards. This opens the left door on the probe maintenance level.
Before heading left, go right and activate the small wall console, turning it from red to green. A panel on the level below slides open and reveals a robotic eye. Use your alien probe to teleport down to the level and open the nearby chest for extra loot.
Return to the probe maintenance level and walk left until you reach the last control panel. Randy doesn’t think a kid like you can figure out how to deactivate it.
Try your hand at the “Simon Says” visual game by matching the colors and sounds as they appear. The first couple are easy; the final one is insanely hard, and Randy gets mercilessly probed. All right, so Randy was right.
Atmospheric Processor
Retrace your anal jumps back to the original platform. Set the lower platform to the left and go down now. Use the robotic eye inside the tube on the atmospheric processor level to teleport you past the searching aliens to the platform beneath the tube.
Use the control panel here to splatter the Alien Guard standing next to the air lock. Squeeze out your alien probe and jump inside the tube. You only have a single alien to fight now, which should not be a problem for one with sphincter muscles like yours. Or you can jettison the alien out through the airlock if it’s on the right side and you time your alien probe to activate the blue panel at the right time.
Access the control panel on the far right and play the security mini-game. Randy’s insides are at stake again, and you fail epically on the insane series. Good news, though; you lower the force field shielding the security room, and Randy will never need Roto-Rooter on his plumbing again.
There are two chests on opposite sides of the security console. To the left, use the light bridge that lowers to climb up and pocket a small amount of loot. To the right, use your alien probe to interact with the blue security panel. You’ll gain more loot here; the chest contains the Alien Energy Crystal (strap-on).
Security Breach
Return to the elevator and step on the new energy bridge to the left of the chest. Shoot out the security monitor above the closest Alien Guard to take it out of the fight.
The Alien Chief of Security can’t be punked with a single arrow. If you can set the chief on fire or deal some other continuous damage, your job will be easier. Beat down the regular Alien Guard quickly and use all your special abilities on the Alien Chief of Security. Take the Alien Gloves off the Chief to complete your spiffy space wardrobe.
Shutting off the control panel in the security room does a number on the alien ship. Return to Randy to get both of you off the ship.
The Alien Conspiracy Hobo
Before you depart the ship, you might want to listen to the various hobo audio logs spread throughout the ship and then visit the secret, trash-filled hold beneath the main level.. Climb down the central floor hatch to reach the hold.
Disturb the trash to stir the Alien Conspiracy Hobo. He might have hitched a ride on the ship, but the hobo’s in no mood for visitors, even human ones. Avoid his dread plunger attack and put a few more holes in his shabby duds. For debunking this conspiracy, you earn the Tinfoil Hat, excellent for the final battle with its -25% damage versus alien attacks.
The Great Escape
Return to the original probe chamber. You have to pass one last security mini-game to free Randy from his alien probe chair. Congrats on another social networking friend, though it’s probably best not to explain how you met.
Look for the White Power Crystal that jettisoned out of Randy’s alien probe. Pick it up off the floor. Exit the alien probe chamber and go to the left on the main level.
Use the White Power Crystal, then your alien probe to unlock the alien cockpit. With all these alien probes hanging about, you might not believe it, but the outer “cockpit” is actually harmless.
Take a breath before the last battle. Check out the holographic map of the solar system and the security monitors tuned to South Park. Open the chest in the front of the room for your last collection of loot. Before you leave, though, shoot the Chinpokomon sitting atop the security monitors and score Beetlebot for your collection.
Two Alien Pilots steer the ship but give up on that minor responsibility when they see you. They’re joined by an Alien Defense Matrix to make matters worse.
The Alien Defense Matrix has to go first; it gives the two aliens too much defense. Use the Alien Ray Gun or a similarly potent ranged attack to aim past the aliens and strike the Alien Defense Matrix in the rear. Once it’s destroyed, try to stun or immobilize the Alien Pilot while you exterminate the other extraterrestrial. Give the Alien Pilot everything you’ve got with the power points that you have left.
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“We have another UFO crash. We have to get to it before the Japanese do.” —Big Bad Government Guy |
Beating the last two aliens sends the spaceship crashing toward South Park. The ship impacts on the outskirts of town, but not before the government notices the disturbance. A high-ranking general orders the troops to move in and secure the site.
You suddenly wake up in bed, and it’s morning. Not a scratch on you. How about that.