Junk

Afghani Goat

$4.00

“Is that Stevie Nicks?

AIDS

$0.60

“It is now 34.3 years later, and AIDS is still funny.”

Alabama Man

$0.50

“He can bowl, he can drink, he can drink some more.”

Antonio Banderas Love Doll

$0.70

“With lifelike chest hair from real Spaniards.”

Armband

$0.30

“Too much goose-stepping, not enough blocking.”

Asses of Fire 2 Poster

$0.20

“Funding for the computer-generated fart effects made possible by Canadian taxpayers.”

Baby Fark McGee-zax’s Broken Pistol

$1.20

“Owned by the infamous fake space outlaw.”

Backdoor Sluts 9

$0.90

“Critics argue it did little to innovate on the series.”

Backdoor Tickler

$0.40

“Based on a prototype control stick for the IT monowheel.”

Barry Bonds Bat

$0.70

“Someone has drawn an asterisk on it for some reason.”

Baseball Card

$0.10

“This battered baseball card shows the 3rd-string pitcher of the South Park Cows.”

Bass Guitar

$1.00

“Some people are just naturally talented at bass guitar.”

Battered Shield

$0.35

“Happens to all shields eventually.”

BFF Necklace

$0.40

“Half of a symbol of everlasting friendship.”

Biggest Douche Award

$0.80

“Awarded to John Edward.”

Big Mamba Condoms

$0.50

“For impressing convenience store cashiers.”

Bindle

$1.00

“Someone’s entire life in a handkerchief. Hope you’re proud of yourself.”

Black Thunder

$0.60

“Often teamed up with White Lightning.”

Blob of Stem Cells

$0.60

“Potential cure for myriad degenerative disorders. Or just sell it for gold.”

Bottle Cap

$0.20

“Not even one of the ones with a contest.”

Bottle of Sunscreen

$0.20

“Protects gingers from their greatest enemy.”

Bowling Trophy

$0.80

“It’s always good to have a spare trophy.”

A Bowl of Kraft Dinner

$0.50

“Canada’s chief import.”

Boy Band Photo

$0.10

“The tough one, the romantic one, the cute one, and the buff one.”

Boy-Sized Leash

$0.25

“Just because it fits a small boy, doesn’t mean it’s being used on them.”

Brad Pitt Survival Gear Kit

$1.20

“Includes lyrics for several raps designed to soothe racial tension.”

Broken Bottle

$0.10

“A bar brawl favorite.”

Broken Chain

$0.10

“Destroyed senselessly.”

Broken Gnome Pick

$0.30

“Aw, fuck.”

Broken Sword Hilt

$0.25

“Did not end up being attached to an invisible sword.”

Bruce Vilanch Headshot

$0.40

“Is this the real secret identity of the Coon?”

Butters’ Creamy Goo

$0.50

“NOT a healing potion.”

Cafeteria Fraiche

$0.15

“One of Randy Marsh’s culinary creations.”

Calculator

$0.60

“Display reads, ‘5318008.’”

Canadian Adoption Papers

$0.30

“These papers are necessary to legally move a child (and his or her Box of Faith) out of Canada.”

Canadian Gemstone

$0.60

“Kept safe in vases throughout the Northern Kingdom.”

Canadian Treasure

$5.00

“Legends say only the true hero of Canada can find this treasure.”

Cardboard Roll

$0.20

“Can be used to see great distances.”

Ceramic Shard

$0.15

“Possible entropy symbolism.”

Charm Bracelet

$0.15

“No magical properties.”

Cherokee Hair Tampon

$0.30

“Made from all natural, highly absorbent Cherokee Hair.”

Chicken Bones

$0.05

“Picked clean.”

Cloth Fragment

$0.10

“This is a tattered fragment of cloth.”

Clyde’s Rulebook

$0.30

“Filled with all of Clyde’s new rules for the game. Tends to fixate on Cartman.”

Cog-on-a-Spring

$0.20

“Less than the sum of its parts.”

Coon Poster

$0.25

“Signed by the Coon himself.”

Crack Pipe

$0.30

“Engraved with Cartman’s mom’s initials.”

Crank Prank Time Phone

$1.60

“Owning this in the past is illegal in the future.”

Crumpled Lantern

$0.25

“Has seen too many Chinese New Year’s celebrations.”

Crumpled Paper

$0.05

“You never know when you’ll need some crumpled paper.”

Cyborg Bill Action Figure

$0.60

“Hasn’t been cool for a long time.”

Dark Emblem

$0.20

“A token Clyde’s minions receive when they pledge their allegiance to him.”

Destroyed Laser Pistol

$1.00

“Would be by far the most powerful weapon in the game if only it weren’t broken.”

Dire Claw

$0.20

“You know what a dire claw is, right?”

Dire Heart

$0.15

“You know what a dire heart is, right?”

Dire Scale

$0.15

“You know what a dire scale is, right?”

DMV Literature

$0.40

“Have you accepted the government into your heart?”

Dreidel

$0.30

“Small and made of clay.”

Elf Ear

$0.50

“Repurposed from sci-fi convention kitsch.”

Empty Glue Bottle

$0.05

“Some bottles like this have glue in them. Not this one.”

Faith +1 CD

$0.40

“Featuring such classic hits as ‘I Wasn’t Born Again Yesterday’ and ‘Jesus (Looks Kinda Hot.’”

Fatty Doo Doo DVD

$0.80

“Who’s that scootin’ on a scooter?”

Fish Sticks

$0.30

“You don’t have to be a gay fish to like fish sticks in your mouth, but it helps.”

Five-Fingered Fister

$0.50

“You shave with five razors, so why settle for fisting with less than five fingers?”

Fork

$0.10

“Could poke out an eye.”

Fractured Bulb

$0.20

“Inept at its intended function.”

Fractured Slingshot

$0.30

“Better that it’s broken. Somebody might shoot a bird with it.”

Girls’ List

$0.15

“Article 38-F lists which boys have the worst cooties in the school.”

Glass Shard

$0.15

“A sharp piece of broken glass, full of potential.”

Glowing Crystal Fragment

$0.25

“You wouldn’t know what to do with it if you had the rest of it.”

Glowing Goo

$0.35

“Possibly radioactive but no real way to tell.”

Gnome Teeth

$0.10

“Gnomes have a great dental plan.”

GSM Button

$0.05

“Ginger Separatist Movement.”

Guinea Pig Costume

$0.60

“The remains of a horrible tragedy that shook the town to its foundation.”

Guzunga’s Gentleman’s Magazine

$0.70

“Has seen heavy use.”

The Hammer

$0.80

“A jack of all trades.”

Hawaiian ID Card

$0.40

“Registered to someone named Keiki.”

Head of the Powell Statue

$1.60

“Feels like this has been looted before by someone else.”

Highlighter

$0.08

“There’s probably no better way to highlight things.”

Honey Boo Boo’s Pig Heart

$0.30

“Unclear how Honey Boo Boo lost this, but not surprising.”

Ice Cream

$0.15

“Taco-flavored.”

Ike’s Chewing Tobacco

$0.50

“Takes the edge off of taming strange.”

Ike’s Love Drawing

$0.30

“A drawing of Miss Stephenson. Nice.”

Inspector Butters Badge

$0.60

“Belonged to the investigator who solved the Mystery of the White Swallow.”

IntelliLink Manual

$0.50

“Written in a language no one understands.”

Jack Rabbit

$0.40

“A strange toy that realistically simulates the shaking of a frightened rabbit.”

Jew Scout Guide

$0.30

“Includes a chart illustrating local plants and animals, showing which ones are kosher, pareve, and unclean.”

Jump Rope

$0.40

“A piece of rope specifically for jumping over.”

Lice

$0.50

“A small band of survivors who outlived the apocalypse on Clyde’s head.”

Lil’ Crime Stopper Badges

$0.80

“This badge deputizes the wearer as a freelance peace officer, also known as a vigilante.”

Lil’ Minis Condoms

$0.30

“Preventing little mistakes with 99% effectiveness.”

Lion King DVD

$0.50

“Like a VHS for rich people.”

Macaroni Pictures

$0.30

“The back reads: ‘For Moses.’”

Mahalo Rewards Card

$0.40

“Only truly rewarding for native Hawaiians.”

Maple Leaf

$0.15

“Useless, but discarding is a hanging offense in all Canadian provinces.”

Margaritaville Deluxe Margarita Blender

$0.90

“Features salsa and guacamole dispensers.”

Marker

$0.10

“For drawing mustaches on things.”

Medical Marijuana Card

$0.30

“It claims to have been issued for testicular cancer.”

Metrosexual Hair Gel

$0.40

“For when you have a queer eye for straight hair.”

The Mexican Staring Frog

$1.20

“From southern Sri Lanka.”

Microchip

$0.40

“The defining invention of our age. Used for playing video games.”

The Milkman

$0.50

“Not named for its color.”

Mr. Hankey Construction Set

$0.70

“A kind of ‘homebrew’ kit.”

Mr. Mackey’s Coffee Mug

$0.50

“Proudly declares its owner ‘#1 Guidance Counselor.’”

Mr. Twig

$0.80

“A former teacher’s assistant, currently out of work.”

Mysterion Picture

$0.50

“The hero South Park deserves.”

NAMBLA Calendar

$0.50

“It has pages full of Marlon Brando look-alikes.”

NASCAR Members Club ID

$0.30

“No member too poor or too stupid.”

Needle-Sharp Dire Fang

$0.15

“You know what a needle-sharp dire fang is, right?”

Needle-Sharp Fang

$0.15

“A lesser threat without its owner attached.”

No. 2 Pencil

$0.05

“Obsolete in the modern age.”

Okama Gamesphere

$2.00

“Featuring the latest graphics and the most violent games from 2001.”

Old Baseball Glove

$0.25

“A keepsake from a championship Little League season.”

Old Sponge

$0.10

“A paradise for microbes.”

Packet of Sea People

$0.70

“Nothing like how it looks on the package.”

Penis Composite Sketch

$0.20

“Furry, with short, fluffy ears.”

Phil Collins’ Oscar

$0.90

“Smells like Phil Collins’ asshole.”

Philip Action Figure

$0.30

“Realistically simulates a number of gastrointestinal disorders.”

Picture of Mr. Adler’s Fiance

$0.20

“A tragic victim of screwing around.”

Picture of Nichole

$0.15

“On the back, it says: ‘From your sweetheart’ in Cartman’s handwriting.”

Picture of Wendy

$0.50

“There’s a small vomit stain on the corner of this picture.”

Pile of Splinters

$0.05

“No good can come from handling these.”

Pinewood Derby Car

$0.40

“Built with Large Hadron Collider superconducting magnets. And balsa wood.”

Pixelated Shard

$0.25

“???”

The Poop That Took a Pee Book

$0.60

“The bestselling tale by Leopold ‘Butters’ Stotch.”

Popcorn Necklaces

$0.25

“An artsy craftsy thing from Jewbilee Camp.”

Positive Queefy Sore Test

$0.30

“Direct result of an IntelliLink mix-up.”

Pubes

$0.05

“Some people are willing to pay good money for these.”

Purity Ring

$0.50

“The name Tammy Warner is engraved inside.”

Purple Passion

$0.40

“Grape flavored.”

Raisins Girl Picture

$0.35

“Signed, ‘SO glad you came in!!! Everyone here is such a loser, but you seem really cool!! — Lexus.’”

Randy’s DUI Record

$0.50

“Includes a charge for cleaning the vomit off the Breathalyzer.”

Reach for the Skyler CD

$0.40

“Skyler Morse’s wildly successful, yet short-lived solo album.”

Rectal Photography Kit

$0.50

“Even aliens need hobbies.”

Ripped Boot

$0.50

“No longer able footwear.”

Roll of Tin Foil

$0.60

“The building block of chaos.”

Rusty Pipe

$0.25

“You were due for your tetanus booster anyway.”

Safety Scissors

$0.20

“Run all you want with these.”

Sarcastaball Trophy

$0.70

“A reminder that the world is all about hugging and safety.”

School Book

$0.40

“Brimming with dick drawings.”

Screwdriver

$0.30

“Both tightens and loosens screws.”

Sea-Man Action Figure

$0.60

“Super Sidekick Swallow not included.”

Shake Weight

$0.70

“Finishes off your workout with a refreshing blast of liquid.”

Shattered Arrow

$0.35

“Will never injure a little brother again.”

Shattered Scimitar Blade

$0.35

“Real scimitar, but smells like Lionel Richie’s asshole.”

Shredded Plastic

$0.10

“Not destined to be recycled.”

Small Locket

$0.80

“Keepsake from a deceased loved one. No real value.”

Small Paw

$0.20

“Some are lucky, some are cursed. This one is neither.”

S’mores Schnapps

$0.50

“Turned the tide of the Civil War.”

Soap on a Rope

$0.40

“The rope provides a secure grip and reduced risk of rectal violation.”

Space Cash

$1.00

“It feels like this should be returned to someone...”

Sparky’s Leash

$0.30

“From Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Animal Shelter.”

Spider’s Limb

$0.07

“Not a delicacy.”

Spiked Wristband

$0.15

“A deadly weapon if people were to hit with their wrists.”

Spoiled City Sushi

$0.15

“If you thought it tasted bad then, it’s not going to taste any better now.”

Spoiled Clamato Juice

$0.20

“Even more disgusting and likely to cause disease than drinking actual blood.”

Spoiled Royal Pudding

$0.50

“Served at the royal wedding, as is tradition.”

Spoon

$0.10

“Stong against soup, weak against ham.”

Squished Eyeball

$0.35

“Alien eyes are even more disconcerting when removed from their skulls.”

STANground Scause

$0.40

“A scause is a cause you wear on your paws.”

St. Peter

$1.00

“This icon commemorates the original pope of Christianity.”

Strange Tamer

$0.60

“Anatomically incorrect in almost every respect.”

Striped Straw

$0.05

“Primarily used for spitting things or for flicking to make a popping noise.”

Stupid Spoiled Whore Doll

$0.20

“With free sample morning after pill candy.”

Sunbrella

$0.40

“Probably save for the summer, though it could be a while.”

Sunshine Sparkle Stickers

$0.05

“They smell incredible.”

Super Phun Thyme Tickets

$0.30

“From the awesome amusement park next to Pioneer Village.”

The Sword of a Thousand Truths

$1.20

“This once-legendary weapon is now outclassed by everything in the new expansion.”

Tap Shoes

$0.60

“Untouched ever since the Incident.”

Terrance Action Figure

$0.30

“With pullable finger action.”

The Spirit of Christmas Film Reel

$0.80

“A crappy animation.”

Toilet Paper

$0.30

“Confiscated from Josh Myers, whereabouts unknown. Two-ply, quilted.”

Torn Bed Sheet

$0.20

“Low thread count.”

Torn Cloak Fragment

$0.30

“A battle trophy torn from the body of a defeated elf.”

Torn Condom

$0.07

“This appears to be some kind of balloon.”

Torn Underpants

$0.20

“Somewhere, a gnome is shedding a tear.”

Toy Car

$0.15

“Not street legal with its currentmodifications.”

Toy Horse

$0.25

“A smaller representation of the real thing.”

Toy Truck

$0.20

“A battery guzzler.”

Tuft of Fur

$0.15

“A downy-soft tuft of fur.”

Turd Sandwich Ballot

$0.15

“Giant Douche did make some very valid points during the debate...”

TV Award

$0.70

“An award for television excellence.”

Urinal Deuce

$0.20

“The subject of the classic Hardly Boys book #37.”

USB Drive

$0.50

“Gigabytes of cat pictures.”

Used Firework

$0.15

“A used and broken shell, just like the kid that used to have it.”

Used Jaggon

$0.25

“Unclear what this was used for, except that it was probably really, really wrong.”

Used Syringe

$0.35

“A perfectly serviceable syringe with a bent needle and a moist, pungent residue.”

Video Game

$0.80

“Shadow of the Cyclopsus features over eight hours of eye-impaling action. Only for the Okama Gamesphere.”

Wad of Web

$0.10

“You didn’t actually mean to pick this up, it just sort of stuck to your bag.”

Well-Shined Boots

$0.30

“Will only get duller from here.”

What Are These Changes? VHS

$0.40

“Considered the definitive menstruation primer of the VHS generation.”

What Happened to My School?

$1.00

“Asks many provocative questions.”

White Trash in Trouble VHS

$0.60

“This highly collectible VHS includes hours of police officers arresting white men with pixelated faces.”

Wild Wacky Action Bike

$2.00

“Almost impossible to steer AND glows in the dark.”

Wing CD

$0.40

“Artist represented by the Super Awesome Talent Agency.”