New Quest: The Bard

You reunite Cartman with his three lost henchmen, only to return to Kupa Keep to find out that the Stick of Truth now rests in the hands of the mysterious Bard, a crooner of great renown and, as you’ll soon discover, unparalleled stuttering.

Cup-a-Spell Conjuring

Before you hunt down the Bard, however, Cartman wants to show you his next magic trick: Cup-a-Spell. This gas bomb hurls potent fumes at an enemy, grossing them out and reducing their attack and defense. Just ask Scott Malkinson, who gets a mouthful during your training session.

The Giggling Donkey

Cartman leads you down the block to the Giggling Donkey, an inn housed in a living room stocked with orange sports coolers, strange characters, and a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey poster. The dweebs in here are pretty tense, but Cartman talks them into telling you the Bard is down in the basement.

Loot Table: Jimmy's House

N = Not Junk / C = Collectable / Q = Quest Item / E = Equipment / D = Dye

It’s dark in the basement, like slasher-flick dark. Explore the gloom and open the dryer and toolbox for extra loot. Follow the sounds of tinkling music to the back of the basement, where you’ll find, not a Ren Faire, but just Jimmy the Bard plucking on his lute.

The Bard has set a trap for you. In traditional evil genius fashion, Jimmy begins to explain his master plan—except his stuttering gets in the way. Press the Skip button to escape the st-st-stuttering.

Take on the Elven Swordsman and two Elven Archers. Your new Dodgeball can bonk heads and reach the archers in the rear. Because it’s three on two, you may need to dip into your snacks to regain hit points and outlast them.

Jimmy hops up the basement stairs and leaves behind more elves to guard his retreat. Aim at the cracked lantern with your ranged attack, then Cup-a-Spell the open flame. Your gas ignites, blowing apart the wooden barrier and roasting the elf next to it.

Let Craig into the basement by opening the back window with a ranged attack. The moron sneaks in but stumbles off the shelf and into the electrified puddle. He’s out of it, so it’s up to you to fight through the remaining three elves defending the basement.

Whack these tree huggers like you did the three before. If you can get off attacks on the Elven Priest in the back, kill him first so he can’t buff up the other two. Gain the Elvish Shortbow after your second fight with the elves in the basement.

Command Butters to revive Craig. A pat on the back gets his blood flowing again, and Craig unlocks the basement door for you. Head back upstairs after Jimmy.

Rescue Cartman

Hurry to the kitchen to defend Cartman from the elves. Fire off your ranged attack at the ceiling light to drop it on top of the closest elf. Sweet! One down, two to go.

Finish off the Elven Enforcer and the Elven Archer. They don’t stand a chance if you unleash your special attacks on them. Afterward, command Butters to attend to Cartman, who pops a ketchup packet to simulate his bloody last breath.

To Save Princess Kenny

Cartman tells you the elves have taken Princess Kenny upstairs to rape him. You don’t want that image stuck in your head, so get upstairs quicker than quick. Enter the living room and shoot the light over the Elven Priest to take him out of the fight.

Continue toward the couch. Use your ranged attack on the wooden coat of arms hanging on the back of the couch. It falls over the caltrops on the rug, allowing you to pass safely.

Cross over to the gate. Aim your ranged attack at the lantern near the door and smash the glass. Cup-a-Spell the lantern flame to explode open the front door.

Token and Tweek charge in through the blasted front door and drop the gate for you. Scoop up the loot from the elf next to next to the door and then attack the fallen bookcase to cut through it.

Sweep through the rest of the living room until you reach the last defenders. The Elven Sentinel is tough, but the Elven Anti-Magician (the dude with the gas mask) is even tougher, with more than double the Sentinel’s hit points and some aggravating attacks. Concentrate on the Sentinel first, gobble snacks to stay healthy, and use your special abilities to silence the Anti-Magician. Beating theElven Anti-Magician earns you the Wood Elf Armor.

Upstairs Before Disaster Occurs

Hurry upstairs and clean out the desk in the middle of the hallway. Pocket Jimmy’s Garage Key for later and head to the second door. Ignore the peeping-tom elf up in the attic for now.

Scarred for Life

Since blinding yourself is not an option, you’ll have to open the door anyway and rush in to save Princess Kenny from being raped. Shoot the light fixture above the canopy bed, then shoot the left side of the shelf so the purple ball rolls down. Strike the table leg with the crack on the right side to create a ramp. Walk up the ramp and shoot the glinting abstract sculpture to create a ladder.

Climb up the ladder and walk along the bookshelf to the right. Attack the piece of plaster blocking your way to the wire connected to the destroyed lamp. Zip-line down the wire to destroy the canopy bed. You land on top of the elf, ending his perverted ways, and untie Princess Kenny. You quickly rejoin the others and pretend nothing ever happened.

Attic Attack

Command Kenny to lure the elf peeping out of the attic (point at the bottom of the attic hatch while commanding Kenny). Princess Kenny shows his boobs and the elf happily drops a ladder and comes closer for an eyeful. Kenny rewards him with a swift kick in the nuts.

The elves have barricaded the attic. Use Cup-a-Spell on the candle to blow apart the boxes and attack the Elven Sentinel and Elven Priest defending the attic.

Plant a Royal Kiss on the Elven Sentinel to gross him out, while a ranged attack will cause the Elven Priest fits. Continue smacking the elves around until each is sprawled out like another piece of crap on the attic floor. Pull the Wood Elf Gloves off the Elves you fight in the attic.

Cross to the right side of the attic and shoot the corner of the purple chest. It falls and breaks a hole in the floor to Jimmy’s hiding spot. Before you leave, add the Roidrat Chinpokomon on the floor to your collection.

Jimmy Eat World-Class Pwning

You finally corner Jimmy the Bard in the bedroom after dropping down through the attic hole. He’s not alone, though; Jimmy pipes in three Bardic Rats with Bardic Hats.

Squish the rats first; you don’t want their three attacks hitting you each round. Since they have only 65 hit points apiece, you can splatter them with one strong attack or two moderate attacks. An attack that strikes multiple targets may flatten more than one of them at a time.

Watch out for Jimmy’s sleep attack. You’ll have to be good at recovering during the sleep mini-game to stay in the battle. Hit the Sleep button like a caffeine junkie—where’s Tweek when you need him?!?—to counterattack the sleep effects.

Without his rats to protect him, coordinate your attacks on Jimmy and make him change his tune about keeping the Stick of Truth. Relieve him of his Crutch of Weakness, which is probably an upgrade for your melee weapon.

You finally return the Stick of Truth to its comfy pillow back at Kupa Keep. Your triumph doesn’t last long, though; Cartman’s mom calls out that “The Grand Wizard needs to go night night,” and the group breaks up for the evening.