Today, the Pokemon Company announced that a new large-sized plush will be added to the roster. Wailord, the gigantic whale Pokemon is now available for pre-order on the Pokemon Center website. There is just one glaring problem with it. This plush is only one-tenth the scale of the actual Wailord. How am I supposed to cram this thing into my tiny Brooklyn apartment and completely disrupt for roommates with something so small?
Make the Wailord Pokemon Plush Life Size You Cowards
The plush comes in at roughly 58 inches (4 3/4 feet long.) This is just entirely too small. Sure, it would fit nicely on my couch or bed, but I want this thing to be a problem. I want to disrupt everyone in my household with a Wailord plush that is actual size.
The Pokedex entry for Wailord states that it is 47 feet, and I demand the Pokemon Company give me a 47-foot plush. I want it to take up my entire apartment and then some. Let me understand what living with an actual Wailord would look like. I could remove all of my furniture, sentimental objects, and bed. I could become wholly consumed by the Wailord. Heck, I could even pull a Gippetto and live inside the whale’s mouth for a while.
If there’s any Pokemon to go buck wild with and create an incredibly absurd and ineffective plush, it would have been Wailord. Fans could go into massive debt and spend thousands of dollars to constantly have to use HM04 to simply navigate around this thing.
With a life-size Wailord, I could be the talk of the town. Taking this big boy to the local coffee shop, forcing everyone to leave because there would not be enough space to house anything but this plush. It would be the ultimate deterrent to people stopping me on the street. They would see me coming with a 47-foot whale and run the other way.
Just look at this image and imagine if it completely consumed that lady holding it. How funny would that be?
We’re not going for what makes the most sense here; we’re going for the most insane plush ever created. I think back to seeing Wailord in Pokemon Sword and Shield and how it took up all 6 inches of my Nintendo Switch screen just to see the side of it. I want that in real life, where I can’t see the TV unless I stand on a six-foot ladder and squint.
Related: What is the Most Expensive Pokemon Card in the World? (And Why)
I can still dream of the life-size Wailord plush, and the one-tenth scale option isn’t bad, but I was so ready to hand over all of my money for the bit. My roommates and neighbors will thank me, and I won’t have Bank of America calling to ask if this was a fraudulent charge, so I guess I can still be grateful for that.
However, this is how I am trying to be with the life-size Wailord of my dreams.
Is this entire blog an insane thing to write? Absolutely, but there is no end to my madness; I just want The Pokemon Company to let the intrusive thoughts win every once and a while. What if years from now, there was a landfill crammed with 47 foot long Wailords because we had to ban them, I hope to write that news story one day.