Animal Crossing: New Horizons is here and I'm already super terrible at it. So ... disclaimer. I've never been that into Animal Crossing. It's a charming game, adorable! But never really resonated with me. That being said, the world is absolute shite right now and dammit, we deserve some happiness so to Animal Crossing: New Horizons I go! Unfortunately, I'm not funny and my not-humor racks me up some pretty poopy karma and that was very much evident in my literal first 5 minutes of the game.
Karma swiftly kicked my ass. pic.twitter.com/EfKLw3lJ9s— Liana Ruppert (@DirtyEffinHippy) March 20, 2020
So I've already admitted I'm a total noob with Animal Crossing, that's why our guides writer Ginny is in charge of tips, so going in I knew I was going to make some Pretty Awful Decisions (TM). First of which, the name. I'm in Chicago, we're quarantined, I'm bored, I thought it was appropriate. After talking to my team, a team also playing this game, I found out that karma is really really after me. Especially since my horrors were in no way reflected in their playthroughs, the lucky bast...
Since the quarantine is due to COVID-19, I named my island after the virus. I then told everyone that we were District 19 because I'm a huge jerk and that's when the wasps arrived. They arrived, and they conquered. But oh, if only that was all.
Following a wasp attack that left me disfigured and hopeless, I tried to go fishing. 2 hours later, no fish were to be had but I could feel them ... mocking me. Judging me. And that's when I noticed something to my left. A cute little animal, or so I thought, until my old butt finally put on my glasses and I realised it was a black and red heckin' tarantula! I tried to use my nifty little net to catch the little guy, but oh boy - oh boy did that make him angry.
He chased me, fast, until I thought I lost him around my tent. I thought I was safe. I was wrong.
I went to make my way back to my cozy campfire and lo and behold, Satan the tarantula was there ... waiting. And then the attack happened and I swear, I was back at war during my Marine days. My short little cartoon life flashed before my eyes and I told grandma I was comin' home. "Make room for me, LAWD, I'm comin'!" But the bright light never game. Just pain. Darkness. And a river with no fish.