After making cursed Pokémon Scarlet and Violet sandwiches in real life, I decided to torture myself some more and see what dishes The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom has to offer. Because eating strawberries with eggs wasn’t bad enough, apparently.
The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom Meg
Honestly, I actually went pretty tame with this one. After the Pokémon sandwich test, I figured I’d give myself some slack. So don’t expect, like, crickets in a stew or something. I will eat some pretty dodgy stuff For The Content, but I have to draw a line somewhere, y’know.
In Tears of the Kingdom, Link can cook various dishes ranging from caveman-esque food like meat on a stick and monster soup to normal meals such as egg pudding and fried rice. I went for a mix with the meals I cooked but aired toward the safer side because, again, I’m not eating any bugs. I don’t get paid enough for that.
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I played around with ingredients in the game, throwing random stuff into a pot before Googling the full list of recipes because I got impatient, decided on what exactly I wanted to cook in real life, then went to Walmart and picked up the groceries, ready to get my Gordon Ramsey on.
Appetizer: Meat and Mushroom Skewer
Ingredients:
- Steak
- White mushrooms
- Baby Bella mushrooms
- Brown mushrooms
What’s not to love here? Both ingredients are great. Or so I thought, anyway, until I tasted it. My fatal error was mixing the three types of mushrooms together because, my god, it was vile. I’m usually the weirdo who adds mushrooms to almost every savory dish I cook, but even this was way too much for me.
The steak was banging, though. Sauteed to perfection at medium-rare temperature and seasoned with salt and pepper. Ugh, I’m salivating like a hound just typing this. After taking a bite with everything included, I ended up taking the steak off the skewers and just eating that. Don’t judge me; you’d do it too.
Rating: 2/5
Appetizer #2: Cheesy Tomato
Ingredients:
- Grape tomatoes
- Swiss cheese
- Black olives
- Mint leaves
You’d think this would be a safe dish because cheese and tomatoes are good, right? Wrong. I actually hate, and I mean HATE, raw tomatoes and olives. Like, an “I wouldn’t give them to my worst enemy” kind of energy. Completely and utterly disgusting. But I thought I should at least torture myself somewhat and not make things too easy.
Did I mention I also despise mint? So this combination was the worst. I made a few Cheesy Tomato abominations for the hell of it, but I could only eat one. The rest went in the trash. I know, I know, food wastage is bad and all that, but I literally don’t care. The trash can was the best place for it, considering I quite literally had to hold back vomit. I’m still recovering.
Rating: -10000000/5
Main Course: Meat Curry
Ingredients:
- Vermont Curry block
- Pork chop
- Potatoes
- Carrots
- Calrose rice
- Green onions
I saw Meat Curry on the list of Tears of the Kingdom recipes, and I just had to make it. If you’ve ever had Japanese curry, you’ll understand this straight away. The game doesn’t specify what meat the dish includes, though—just “Raw Meat”—so I decided on pork chops because you can never go wrong with pork chops.
While the recipe doesn’t use potatoes and carrots in the game, the illustration shows them being there alongside what I assume are green onions, so I rolled with ’em. I also cheated and used a Vermont Curry block because I’m lazy, and everyone knows it’s one of the best curries you can get your hands on in the United States. Seriously, if you haven’t tried it, you need to. I did cook the pork chops, carrots, potatoes, and rice myself, though. I’m not completely lazy.
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This dish was honestly freaking delicious. My husband agreed, too, with this being the only dish he elected to try. I’ve made it like six times since.
Rating: 5/5
Dessert: Fruit Pie
Ingredients:
- Graham cracker pie crust
- Sweetened condensed milk
- Lemon juice
- Cream cheese
- Sugar
- Blueberries
- Raspberries
- Orange
- Mint leaves
I cheated here, too, and used pre-made pie crusts. Judge me all you want, but at least I can admit my weaknesses—I can’t make my own pie crusts to save my life. And I wanted to enjoy this. I did make the filling myself, so don’t write me off as completely lazy, thank you very much.
Looking at the in-game illustration of the Fruit Pie, I couldn’t tell what fruit was on the top, aside from blueberries and oranges, so I didn’t get everything. Whatever.
This was… okay. The sweetened condensed milk was too sweet, and I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, to begin with, so I only ate one bite and called it a day. My husband loved them, though, so I’ll take that win.
Rating: 3/5
I plan on cooking some Disney Dreamlight Valley recipes and trying those next, so watch this space. If you’ve got any other video game food recommendations, especially cursed ones, feel free to shout at me on Twitter @kuromimeg.
If you’re up for reading some more wacky Zelda content, check out Poppy Plays: My 6-Year-Old’s First Zelda Experience Has Been Wild—it’s a hoot.
Published: Jun 27, 2023 07:29 pm