Being a loser is worse than taking a tuba up the ass. Not that we have firsthand experience or anything, but nobody likes to take it up the ass with a tuba. To avoid similar pain and everlasting shame, it’s time to get your act together and kick ass when you take to the neighborhood. Relax, it’s all right here for you. We cover the basics with tags that tell you what not to do () and what will make you successful (). So study up the following chapter like it’s not homework, know your perks from your jerks, master your combat moves and party invites, and avoid musical instruments for the next three days.
use these controls
ignore your friends, doofus!
Friends are more than text buddies who live in a safe place where you can toss off your kicks and raid the fridge. They’re your status symbol—the way you increase your social standing in the game. The more friends you earn, the more perks you can pick up. You receive a new perk at the following friend totals: 7, 12, 18, 25, 35, 45, 55, 70, 85, 100. Track your friends in the bottom left corner of the Home page (a picture of each is shown with total friends listed), and you might want to detour from a quest to go friend hunting when you’re close to receiving that next perk. For complete descriptions on how to befriend every friendly in South Park, turn to the “Welcome to South Park” walkthrough section. Best advice we can give: Make a habit of talking to everyone—even strangers.
check your account like a social media junkie
Your Home page holds more than your friends list. The top left section, under your picture, shows your statistics. Aside from a never-to-be-mentioned-again visit to the abortion clinic, your gender and other constants (age, relationship status, location) won’t change. You might, however, want to check on your level (LV) and the bar next to it to figure out how much experience you have left to reach the next level—or, how many random beatings can I squeeze in between quests to level up?! You can also check on your net worth—how much money you have pocketed from loot—and each time a social network message pops up, click to your Home page to read the post. Sometimes social network posts give you quest clues or helpful advice—and sometimes they’re pee-your-pants funny—so pretend you’re a social media junkie (maybe that’s not much of a stretch) and access social network regularly.
let rust pile up on your pointy things
The second menu page, your inventory, displays your gear—stuff like weapons, costumes, eyewear, makeup, and, yep, even junk. Immediately after you receive a new weapon or piece of clothing, look it up in the inventory. You don’t want to forget about it only to find out hours later that you’ve been a pinhead and left an upgrade in your pocket. A green arrow next to the item’s description shows a potential upgrade in that slot; a red arrow means it’s probably not an upgrade. A pentagon symbol next to the item’s picture represents an empty slot (a strap-on for a weapon, a patch for costume pieces), which you can use to plug in various effects to make the item more powerful. Two slots is even better than one. Each time you gain gear from a loot drop or from a vendor, look at the item’s effects (and, in a weapon’s case, its damage value) and decide if you want to try it out on the next pansy-ass that comes your way.
stock up on snacks
You can find consumables or buy them from shops or vending machines. If you have the extra cash, stock up on snacks to increase your combat effectiveness. You always want to have handy Health Potions (to regain HP), Cure Potions (to remove harmful effects, especially Gross Out, which prevents you from healing), and Revive Potions (to bring back a fallen buddy, or have one bring you back). It’s a bonus to have other consumables like Power Potions (to use abilities more frequently) and Speed Potions (to attack more often). When you get the munchies in the middle of a sweaty conflict, take advantage of these combat effects:
|Consumable||Snack Form||Effect||Combat Use|
|Cure Potion||Bottled Water||Removes negative status effects||Save to remove Gross Out or painful effects like Burning|
|Health Potion (Large)||Snacky Cakes||Restores 60% HP||Heal major wounds|
|Health Potion (Small)||Cheesy Poofs||Restores 40% HP||Heal minor wounds|
|Mana Potion||Chipotle Burrito||Adds 70 mana||Get medium boost to mana|
|Mana Potion (Large)||Beans||Adds 120 mana||Get large boost to mana|
|Mana Potion (Small)||Apple Juice||Adds 30 mana||Get small boost to mana|
|Power Potion||Soda Bottle||Restores 10 PP||Rejuvenate power points|
|Revive Potion||Taco||Revives fallen buddy||Bring back a fallen buddy or have one bring you back|
|Shit Nugget||Turd||Inflicts Gross Out effect||Prevent enemy healing|
|Speed Potion||Tweek Bros. Coffee||Adds haste effect||Attack twice|
|Strength Potion||Weight Gain 4000||Increases attack and defense||Gain Attack Up and Defense Up effects|
|Water Balloon||Balloon||Removes enemy bonuses||Negate enemy effects|
spend your ability points blindly
You receive an ability point each level, and you will be tempted to spend them right away. Don’t. First look at when your various abilities open up and what else will be available down the road. For example, a level 5 Thief has two abilities available—Backstab and Mug—and if you want to max out on both you’ll be spending points that you may want to save for higher-level abilities. Instead of spending all those ability points early, you may want to save a point to pick up Execute at level 6. Since the ability chains overlap, you can’t get everything as soon as the abilities unlock, so plan how you spend ability points based on your play style and your current needs. A Jew who wants to control crowds better will want to pick up Whirling Doom at level 8 rather than Shear Agony, to better deal with multiple foes.
max out an ability if you want the full effect
However, you usually want to max out an ability chain once you’ve invested points in it. The more expensive effects are generally worth the effort of reaching them. You will probably be able to max out three full ability chains by the end of the game; if you decide to spread out your ability points to four or five chains, you won’t be able to max out much of anything, so weigh the benefits of your abilities before making those purchases. A Fighter, for example, begins with a choice: dive into the Assault and Battery chain to max out for big-time damage with his bat, or go with Roshambo and max out his stun and Gross Out abilities to better control difficult foes. You have a lot of choice with your abilities; measure your gear effects and buddy abilities before making the ultimate choice with your own ability points.
try to be another class with your perks
The more friends you recruit, the more perks you earn, but more perks won’t transform you into a dual class. As tempting as it may be to pick up perks that give you some flexibility—say, Mauler for extra melee damage when you’re a ranged Mage—it’s generally better to use perks to make you even more powerful in the things you do best. For example, if you find yourself relying on your special abilities often, invest in Apprentice to increase your PP by 20 percent. If you love your ranged abilities, Marksman with its extra ranged damage makes sense. Be careful, though, of basing your perk purchase off your current weapon. The perk might complement it well enough, but you may upgrade to a completely different weapon in the next loot drop and never benefit from the perk again.
pick up some of the no-brainer perks
You can’t go wrong with several perks no matter what your class or play style. Growing Boy helps everyone: It increases your HP by 20 percent. Let It Slide makes debuffs applied to you last one fewer turn than normal—always a good thing—while its opposite cousin, Lasting Impression, makes your status effects last one turn longer. And who doesn’t want extra damage with the first attack each combat? That’s exactly what Sucker Punch gives you.
shit your pants
If you forget to fart and let your mana build up to 150, you shit your pants. It’s really embarrassing when you retreat from combat and let a brown puddle ooze around your ankles, so pay attention to your bowels, please. In combat, your fart-powered attack strikes for extra damage; unless you have a weapon that triggers effects off of multiple hits, you should consider expending your mana in combat on a fart-lifting weapon swing. Just check to see you have enough mana to do it; you can’t do it round after round unless you’re packing beans up the wazoo.
|Magic Power||Given by?||Where?|
|Sneaky Squeaker||Randy||Community Center|
|Nagasaki||Terrance & Phillip||Vancouver|
let it rip out of combat, too
Your magic powers are arguably better outside of combat. Dragonshout can blow through barricades, and you’ll use Cup-a-Spell the most to waft flames into foes and flammable materials. Always look for setups in the environment to avoid combat; even taking a single opponent out of a fight with a smart Cup-a-Spell can make the difference in large group battles. Sneaky Squeaker allows you to avoid combat altogether by distracting enemies with a gas bomb. The Nagasaki shakes loose objects or shatters them when you let loose a bowl buster. Use it and some of your other magic powers to figure out puzzles, bypass obstacles that impede progress, or discover a secret passage for unexpected rewards.
lose the Stick of Truth
Okay, so that’s going to be nigh-impossible. Cartman and company seem to hold onto the Stick about as long as quarterback Mark Sanchez holds onto a pigskin. If you pay attention to your Quest page, though, the hunt for the Stick of Truth will be revealed through your main quests (you know, the ones marked with a stick). Check your quest objectives frequently to see what you’ve completed and what your next step should be. You can even jump to the map from your objective for a visual clue on where to go. Your right and left buttons cycle through active and completed quests for your reference.
complete as many friend collection quests as you can
Side quests are fun, but you don’t have to do them during the main storyline. After you finish the main storyline at the end of Day 3, you’ll have a chance to complete all the side quests in Day 4. Most important, you want to finish off as many friend collection quests as you can to rack up perk points. Early on, seven friends equals a perk, and even though it takes more friends later to unlock perks, it’s worth running around town talking to everyone to get perks to use against the tougher foes in your main quests.
get lost, unless you’re just jerking around
With a push of a button you can see an overview of all of South Park. Beats your cell’s GPS even. At first you’ll be isolated to your block, but soon you’ll be traveling around the town like a pro. Learn your directions and get used to landmarks (left from your house is the bus stop, then the school; right from your house is Cartman’s, then all the way down on the end is Kenny’s house). Your position is marked with a big yellow arrow, red Fast Travel Flags show you points you can move between quickly, and anything marked with an exclamation point is an active quest objective. Toggle from quest view to treasure view with the left and right buttons: quest view shows the quest objectives, while treasure view displays loot stashes you haven’t collected yet around town.
use your Fast Travel Flags
Unlock every Fast Travel flag you see. You have to hoof it around town at first, but once you unravel a Fast Travel flag, you can jump directly to that flag from any other Fast Travel flag. Unlock them all and you can bounce around town almost instantly (plus you complete the “Fast Travelin’” side quest). Each time you set off on a quest objective, check your map for the nearest Fast Travel flag and jump there to speed up your journey.
think you can waltz right into any location
Try to walk into the Dark Meadows gated community and you’ll get maced in the face by the guard. Try the door at South Park Elementary before you receive the “Detention Sentence” quest and you’ll find it locked. You can’t just waltz right into any location. Some are unlocked by quests, others by special keys, and some you might have to beat enemies to enter. Explore South Park fully; there is a way into every area, but it might take you a few levels to figure it out. For more information on all of South Park, see the “Walkthrough” section.
come prepared for infiltration or exploration
If you want to waltz right into Dark Meadows and break the security guard’s kneecaps, don the Gas Mask and have at him. Search through all the open houses and collect as many special keys as you can fit in your pocket to open garages and other areas. Be smart about your infiltrations or explorations. For example, if you see a gang of elves hanging about City Wok, expect an ambush and prepare for that fight ahead of time before entering. Get caught without Cheesy Poofs and you deserve an undignified thrashing.
pretend you’re too old for Chinpokomon
You’re a fourth grader for god’s sake. What true-blooded, American fourth grader doesn’t want to burn through his parent’s bank account for a complete collection of the latest, greatest collectables! You can see all 30 Chinpokomon on the Collectables page. You don’t own silhouetted ones; the full-color ones are all yours. Search in trees, air ducts, and bedrooms for the hidden Chinpokomon—basically, anywhere some clever kid could have stashed one—and fill up your collection. Chinpokomon may not bring you the power of a Japanese Ultraman, but they make comfy pillows.
review your equipment and quest items
You can also check out your equipment and quest items with the left and right buttons. As with the Chinpokomon, silhouetted equipment isn’t in your inventory; full-color displays are. If your equipment has a number under it, that piece is part of a set (1/3 would mean, for example, that you have one of a three-piece set). The Quest Items page shows you important items you use to complete quests or unlock new areas. For example, the Tweek’s Brewmaster Stash Key opens the loot drop in Tweek Bros. coffee shop’s back room, while the Blood Orange draws out the Bloodsucking Fruit Bat for the “Big Game Huntin’ with Jimbo” side quest.
diss Butters ’cause he’s a born victim
Butters is the first buddy you meet outside your house on the sidewalk. Just because he’s the first companion—and just because he’s getting beat up by a lame-ass elf—doesn’t mean you should push him aside. All buddies have their uses, and having any buddy next to you in a fight is a plus. Think about it: Even if they just stand there as stiff as a telephone pole, enemies still attack them, which means they aren’t attacking you! Beyond being human shields, buddies have many useful combat abilities that can help you with damage, healing, crowd control, and general all-around chaos. Butters, Kenny, and Cartman join you at Kupa Keep for the humans. Kyle, Jimmy, and Stan join you at the Elven Kingdom for the elves. Based on your class and play style, experiment with each buddy as you unlock them to see which is the best fit by your side.
command buddies outside of combat
Buddies have functions outside of combat too. At certain points during the main storyline, you will need to ask assistance from one of your buddies to continue onward. You can command Butters (for example) to heal injured allies, Kenny flashes his breasts to distract enemies, and Jimmy grants you access to handicapped areas. With a click of a button on the Party page, you can trade buddies in and out of your party, so try out all their combat abilities and call on a new buddy any time you think a command will carry you forth. For more information on your buddies, flip to the “Buddies & Bastards” chapter.
get caught with your pants down in combat
You don’t want to get caught anywhere with your pants down, especially not in combat, where Cartman has trained you over and over that your balls are vulnerable. Do the responsible thing and protect your balls in combat—pay attention to all your combat variables. Check your HP versus your opponent’s HP as you enter combat and gauge how far down you are when you get wounded so you know whether to crunch on a snack or not. Monitor your PP and your mana as well: power points for exploiting your special abilities in combat, and mana for tapping into the power of gas warfare. Remember to check opponents’ armor values to plan your attacks properly, and survey status effects to know when you have to pop open a water bottle for yourself or douse your opponent in a heal-preventing Gross Out effect.
practice until you’re perfect
Perfect Blocks and Perfect Attacks are key on the battlefield. If you can Perfect Block every enemy attack, you will take significantly less damage per round. Perfect Blocks will definitely keep you alive long enough to heal up from a snack. Perfect Attacks usually activate your special abilities. If you want your powerful abilities to go off, you’ll have to learn to time your attacks to the combat flashes and maximize your assaults.
always hit the first guy in front of you
As tempting as it may be to pound the grin clean off the bully directly in front of you, it’s not always the best idea. Before you launch an attack, scroll over each of your opponents and note HP and titles. Their hit points will give you an idea of their relative strength, and once you learn the familiar enemy titles, you’ll know that a Priest or Druid casts healing and resurrection spells, while a Protector or Defender is more heavily armored. Plan accordingly. Break out the ranged weapons to fire on enemies in the back row, especially if they have nasty status effects that can seriously alter the momentum, or switch to armor-piercing abilities to damage enemies equipped with shields. Ultimately, think before you act.
gang up on a single opponent when possible
You should team up with your buddy as much as possible. Concentrate on a single opponent until he’s down. Obviously, the more opponents standing, the more damage you will take. Knock off enemies one by one, starting with the one with the lowest HP or the one with the most potentially deadly ability. If you spread out your damage evenly, combat will last longer and you will run a greater risk of dying or depleting your snacks faster than a competitive eater at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
panic if you can’t reach someone
Enemies in the back row sometimes can’t be targeted if they’re protected by their brethren up front. You can switch to a ranged weapon or, for groups of three or more, use your best multiple-opponent ability to spread around the damage and status effects. Against large groups, it’s important to kill at least one or two enemies quickly, so abilities that stun (give you more time to survive), burn (deal extra damage over time), or inflict bleeding (turn them into a human sieve) will make a significant difference. Worst case strategy: Kill the front-row foe quickly, Perfect Block the back row’s attacks, heal from snacks, then deal with the remaining enemies as they open up to attack.
break out the big abilities against groups
Save your PP for the more powerful effects against groups if you have three or more enemies hungry for your throat. As much as it’s nice for a Fighter to crush a single opponent with major damage from Assault and Battery, it’s even better to Ground Stomp them into roadkill. Once you’re adequately equipped, you and your buddy should easily handle two-on-two battles. You only need to tap into your power points in the event of an enemy swarm.
mix up riposte and reflect
Dude, you will look like the fool if you can’t figure out what’s happening in a riposte or reflect stance. It’s like not knowing your right from your left. Riposte reflects incoming melee attacks; reflect bounces back ranged attacks. You’ve gotta know your status effects, and you have to know the effect symbols or you’ll be pwned like a little bitch while you drool at the screen in confusion.
Gross Out opponents and buff allies with Ability Up
A debuff is a negative status effect that you slap on opponents to weaken or kill them. A buff is a positive status effect that you use to beef up your buddy or yourself to increase your chances of winning the combat. Some buffs and debuffs are the natural side effect of an ability, and some you can gain from consumables (a little Shit Nugget down the gullet will make any enemy puke). Many effects trigger off Perfect Attacks, so practice timing your button push with the character’s combat flash to score a Perfect Attack and dish out status effects.
Combat Status Effects
|Ability Down||Makes abilities less effective|
|Ability Up||Makes abilities more effective|
|Attack Down||Makes physical attacks less effective|
|Attack Up||Makes physical attacks more effective|
|Bleeding||Causes bloody good damage|
|Burning||Causes a burning sensation that isn’t a touch of athlete’s foot|
|Channeling||Channels a powerful attack|
|Defense Down||Defense of incoming attacks is weaker so you take more damage|
|Defense Up||Defense of incoming attacks is better so you take less damage|
|Dodge||Avoid incoming attacks as if it were gym class|
|Enraged||Target gains Ability Up, Attack Up, Defense Up, and Haste|
|Gross Out||Causes Gross Out damage and doesn’t allow for healing with consumables|
|Haste||Attack more frequently|
|Nazi Zombie Resurrect||Brings the dead back to life|
|Pissed||Enemies are mad and can only attack one target that has pissed them off|
|Reflect||Bounces back an incoming ranged attack|
|Regen||Regenerates hit points|
|Riposte||Reflects incoming melee attack damage|
|Screwed||The inflicted target has three turns to finish combat before being KO’d|
|Sleep||Target goes to sleep and misses combat turns|
|Slow||Delays your next action turn|
|Stun||Target is unable to block/hit until hit again or effect wears off|
brag until you’ve earned at least two achievements
Achievements can be unbelievable feats you didn’t even know you had in you, or they can be automatic accomplishments for completing tasks, like finishing certain quests or hitting a certain level. But let’s get this straight—you aren’t allowed to brag to your friends until you have at least two respectable achievements checked off. One achievement could be a fluke; two impressive feats and your skills are so awesome you’re in the running for the new manager position open at your local taco joint.
earn more achievements if you have OCD
If you have obsessive-compulsive disorder and you can’t sleep if there’s still an achievement undone, then please complete them all for your sanity’s sake. Most of the rest of us will be happy when our butt explodes and we receive an achievement or get rewarded when we kill enough enemies to make Genghis Khan jealous.
play hardcore unless you enjoy inconvenience
Remember to save the game whenever you complete a crucial quest objective or discover an upgrade to your items. You don’t want to try and be a tough guy and play without saving—that road leads to frustration. Better to save regularly; you can always return to a previous save if you missed something or want to redo a portion of a quest. For example, you may want to save at the end of the “PTA Problems” quest and before you choose Cartman or Kyle for the “Attack the School” quest. That way you can always go back and replay through the school for the other team.
rely on auto-save to bail you out
If you forget to save, there’s always auto-save. The game automatically saves for you at important junctures. If your last save isn’t exactly where you want it to be, try the auto-save, which generally saves only an encounter or two prior to where you’re at currently. If you want to immediately replay a battle, auto-save is generally the best option.
If you die, you’re, um, dead. Kaput. See you in the next life. But in combat your buddy has to die too. If he’s still alive, use a taco (Revive Potion) to revive yourself and survive a little longer. If you both perish, it’s curtains and you’ll have to revert back to the last save point and pick it up from there.
live long enough to see Mr. Slave’s rectum
C’mon, with a hint like that, you know you want to see the end of the game.